Master,

I wanted to share with you my response on a submissive group that I belong to. Please share your thoughts with me on my post.

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I guess one question is just that ,should i question something just because it is hard for me.Or as the one who submits should I just do what im told even if it pushes my limits.How do I know what the bounders should be.I have been told no safe words for punishment and other times I better have a good reason for using the safe word.Kathllen

Kathleen,

I am going to answer your post based on my own relationship with my Master. I hope by sharing some of my own personal life will give you a little piece of infomation that may help you.

You wonder if you should question something just because it is hard for you. In any relationship there has to be questions, and as a submissive by asking questions we learn.

When I met MJ it was on the premise of a D/s relationship. I am not sure that I expected for us to be together 2 1/2 years later still. When MJ and i started our D/s relationship, there were boundaries set up from the first few meetings. We talked a great deal on everything from emotional boundaries to physical boundaries. We started out as Play Partners ONLY. We agreed that we would see each other a couple times a month for play or more if our schedules allowed it. We established the boundaries that protected either of us from getting hurt (i.e. falling madly in love with my Dominant after our first scene). We allowed ourselves the freedom to explore just exactly it was that we were seeking.
Of course there were some very hardfast rules established (such as safewords, limits, etc). I think this is also very important because if there are no limits, there is no exchange of power, and I think getting to the place of total trust and respect for each other requires the pushing of limits.
We established a list of hard limits, and he never pushed those certain limits for about a year. He made me feel safe knowing that I could trust those sacred limits are still there.
After the first year, we sat down one night and he questioned me about my limits. Because I did not question a lot of things during that first year, this conversation was extremely hard for me. I took our relationship with a grain of salt. If MJ called and wanted to get together, GREAT. If I didn't hear from him, that was okay too, because I knew my place with him.

I was scared that because those limits remained intact for so long that he was going to leave me if I did not give up the limits I had. It was the opposite though, He knew each of my limits from the top of his head (about 10). He went through each limit with me and asked me why that limit was there. He chose at that point whether or not this limit was to be tested. Was this something that would have a negative impact on a scene (send me into a tailspin or bad headspace)?

Of course I was shaking and scared as he asked about each limit. Growing within that first year as his submissive, I trusted him more than I had ever trusted anyone in my life. Not only had he become "My Dominant" but he had truly become one of my best friends in the world. I was/am completely comfortable with all facets of our relationship.

Why were these limits still here? If I knew that MJ would never hurt me as long as I live why were these things so difficult for me to overcome? By the end of our conversation, MJ informed me that of the 10 limits that I had, only 5 would I be allowed to keep because they were limits that he knew would leave me in a bad place in my own head.

Slowly, the other 5 limits were tested, of course not all in the first scene. Each limit was tested, and pushed over the course of a few months. Wow, I thought to myself what was I being so “wimpy” about in the first place.

One example I can give is that of being gagged. I never wanted to have anything placed near my mouth. This stemmed from a personal violent experience I had with my ex-husband. MJ didn’t understand why this was a limit because I loved when he would cover my mouth with his manhood and body and it would take my breath away. This slowly worked into him covering my mouth with his hand as he whispered in my ear how safe I am with him. Now, I have myself gagged with a ball gag before he gets off work at times.

Those 5 limits no longer exist. The remaining 5 no longer exist either, although those were not removed in the same manner as the first five. I had done something extremely bad and my punishment was pretty severe. Through the course of the punishment his instructions were pretty harsh but at the same time so very thought out with explanations that I knew where my place was at in his life. He is also a great teacher and he informed me that I no longer had any limits whatsoever if I wanted to continue as his submissive. He explained why it was important for me to understand my place and that it was time to come to understand the meaning of being collared to him.

MJ was very respectful with pushing the limits and making sure that the effect of not having those limits became enjoyable for him as well as me. Sometimes it is amazing how looking back and reflecting on something so hard 2 ½ yrs later is just a chuckle in my mind how I even had those limits to begin with.

The point I am making with this long winded paragraph is that it all boils down to trusting the Dominant you are with to be able to overcome limits.
How do you know what the boundaries are for asking questions? The only way that you will know that is by communicating with your Dominant about things that you enjoy, want to explore, things that trouble you and of course above all else his expectations for how you conduct yourself as his submissive. With time, it will become as natural to you as breathing is. I used to wonder the same things that you are thinking, if I question something, will he think I am disobedient? Will he push me when I am not sure that I am ready for that limit to be pushed?
I learned that I was only hindering my own growth as his submissive by NOT asking questions when something troubled me.
Your Dominant just needs to be aware of you as a being in order to be in tune with your limitations and guide you along the path of your submissiveness with him. I can’t stress enough to anyone how important communication is in any relationship. You can never go wrong if you are always open and honest about your feelings and thoughts, even if you feel they are hard. It’s how we grow in life.